How "am" I? | January
How “am” I this month?
I have been generally depressed and unmotivated (thanks, S.A.D.). Spending a lot of time on the couch half-watching Friends. Every day is a new adventure in how incompetent OC Transpo can be. 10 minutes late? 20 minutes late? Is this bus coming at all? Oh, only half the trains are running today so we’re packed in like sardines, even at this off-peak time? Greeeeeaaaaaat. I hate being cold. I hate treacherous walks over ice, snow, slush, puddles, and dog shit (people think they don’t need to scoop in winter?) to get on a bus. I hate the lack of sunlight. Working from home for some mornings, or whole days, helps me get some sunshine, though. #Blessed that my workplace is flexible about stuff like that.
WTF I did this month
I saw the musical Waitress at the NAC. (Thank you very much to my friend, Alex with the Broadway Across Canada subscription, who invited me to fill her second seat for this show.) I love the movie and a few years ago, when the musical first started, I would listen to Sara Bareilles’s album of her versions of some of the songs (she wrote the music and lyrics for the show!). So, I knew the story and some of the songs. The show was delightful and reignited my intense connection to the song "When He Sees Me". If I could belt, I would belt it out. From my HEART.
I went to Nordik spa. I’ve never been to a spa. Saunas make me feel like I’m dying. But sitting in hot pools is lovely. I went with a couple of my coworkers with some sponsored gift certificates. (aka: I only went because it was free.) It was a very cold evening, but that means we got the ~thermal experience~ you’re supposed to do of being warm for a while then very cold for a few seconds as we quickly shuffled between pools and saunas.
I’ve been doing some french lessons in Duolingo almost everyday. I know how to say things like “Marie has two cats” and “Do you work in Paris?” which will come in handy someday, I’m sure. My goals for learning French range from being able to communicate with patrons at screenings to being able to watch a French film with French subtitles.
Juliana and I recorded our 2019 Recap podcast episode of Rated F. I love doing these episodes because I go through my list of movies I watched and add up how many I watched, how many were new, how many were written and/or directed by women, and all the other categories I keep track of! It’s fun to see if I reached my goals and how my viewing habits have changed/improved. This year I watched 52% directed and/or written by women! And 32% with non-white lead characters! Listen to the episode to hear all my stats! I love stats! (I took Data Management in grade 12. Not really by choice- I just needed to fill a class. But look at me now! Gettin’ hot for spreadsheets!)
In that episode, I said that one of my viewing goals for this year was to watch a movie in a cinema once a month. I am pretty anti-cinema because the audiences always ruin the experience. And, like any sane adult, I would always rather stay home that go out. Always. I went to see Knives Out. It was a fun movie. The guy next to me was narrating the movie; it was like watching TV with my dad- “Oh he found out!” “She’s got it- look!” I KNOW DAD, I AM ALSO WATCHING THIS PROGRAM! And other people shouting out “Dun dun dun!” and “Oh my god!”s like DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A ROOM WITH OTHER PEOPLE?! Despite this (not surprising) experience, I am planning to see more films in a cinema next month, but at our locally owned ByTowne Cinema, not a Cineplex full of people with no goddamn respect.
Other viewing this month included quite a few documentaries; some screeners and then I got on a Netflix doc roll. Speaking of screeners- what’s up at work, you ask? Well, I’m busy working on multiple festivals/events at once, as usual, including our new festival that is coming in… holy fuck less than two months, the International Film Festival of Ottawa (IFFO). If you’re not in Ottawa, you probably don’t care, but I’m going to tell you to check out the website, IFFO.ca, because I created it and I am proud that I was able to bend Squarespace to my will, or in some ways just compromise with it. I am not the designer of the logo and branding, but I took the shapes and colors and made it into something. Also made it into something for our social channels, so check out @IFFOttawa everywhere to see what I come up with over the next couple months!
Thoughts I had when I was considering a buzz cut:
Will this make me less attractive to the man I am crushing on? Will this make me more or less attractive to pretty queer girls? Will my face look dumb? Can I pull off this lewk? Am I doing this to make myself less attractive because I’ve been feeling unattractive/unhappy with my dumb face lately? Will I use this as an excuse for why no one finds me attractive? Do I want this hair style or do I just need a change? Am I doing this just for the fun of the shock factor and attention I will get at first? Am I just following a trend? Will I bleach it? Will I dye it black? Will I regret this? How long will it take to grow out enough that I can cut it into Loora Wang’s haircut? What characters can I dress up as for comic con and Halloween with this hair? Should I get some fun wigs? Should I get into wearing fake glasses and other unnecessary accessories to make up for lack of hair? Will my head be cold? Will you be able to see all the big moles on my scalp? Should I wait until I lose some weight so my face will be thinner? Should I go full nude and stop wearing makeup too? How will people react? Will this go with my fashion style? Will I look unprofessional? Am I ready for the looks and comments from strangers? Is short hair and my love of suits too androgynous/masculine looking for me? Am I trying to be something I’m not? Am I thinking about my hair to avoid thinking about other things? Am I making this change because it’s easier than making the more impactful changes I know I need to make in my life? Am I overthinking this? My mother will be disappointed.
Thoughts I had after getting a buzz cut:
Well, that was fun. Okay, so, this is what I look like with a buzz cut. I like it. I don’t like it. It’s fine. It will grow.
I did not suddenly lose my mind mid-holiday break and grab the clippers in a Nappily Ever After level meltdown. I was lusting after short haircuts (particularly Loora Wang's) for a while and decided for once in my life, because you gotta do it once, I would just buzz it all off. So I did. And now it’s already grown into an awkward length that I’m having to force to dry flat by wearing a bandana. So, it was real low maintenance for about a week. I don’t love it, but I am looking forward to having fun with short hair cuts and styles soon enough.
A lot of those pre-buzz cut questions were about attractiveness. Not something I usually think a lot about (brag?) as I have a well-curated wardrobe, a tried and true makeup routine, and, for the past two years, my favorite haircut ever (the Bisexual Bob™️). And I hate to admit that such a little thing (but unfortunately so common for women) as having an unrequited crush can make you question everything about yourself, especially your looks. I was ready for a change into a new hair style that I’d love but instead took a different route to get there. A little pit stop in Ah, Fuck It town. The buzz cut certainly did not fix any insecurities about my attractiveness. This is not my best look. However, it has been freeing to just accept that I am now not even in the running for whatever beauty contest I thought I was in. And I honestly don’t care. Don’t care if men (or anyone) find me attractive. Don’t care where on the androgynous or obviously-queer spectrum I appear to people. I don’t care because I don’t really like it. I don’t know how long it will take but soon enough my hair will be long enough to actually be something and I’ll be having fun styling and dying it and be back to “well, check me out." The timing will probably work out with the weather improving as well, so what a springtime it will be for me!
Social media was created to connect, so why does it make me feel so disconnected?
My constant checking of social media feeds was like a compulsion I knew was bad but couldn't make myself stop. What was I in need of that I thought I'd find inside Twitter and Instagram apps? Connection. But I wasn't getting it, so I had to keep going back, like re-opening your fridge when you're hungry expecting food to have appeared in there while it was closed.
Twitter was taking over my brain. Thoughts that ran through my head went through a tweet filter to turn them into the currently popular Twitter joke format or just the classic sarcastic, self-deprecating voice of a generation. And what did I get out of crafting a real human thought or experience into a 280-characters-or-less quip? Nothing. No one follows me, retweets, or likes me. To whom was I talking? Why am I even on Twitter? What would I miss if I weren't?
Instagram feels like it provides connection with friends, but it's really an illusion. I know what my friends did last weekend, but haven't talked to them in months. Posting is a one-sided communication. Why am I posting a selfie for just my friends to see? I wouldn't text a friend a selfie to let them know what I look like today. Seeing what my friends did over the weekend makes me feel left out of things I have no right to feel excluded from. I know my friends have lives without me, but somehow watching it via Instastories incites jealousy in a way that hearing about it from them later wouldn't.
It's all very passive. Putting out thoughts and pieces of your life for friends, and potentially anyone, to see but never knowing exactly who saw what or what they thought about it. When you share with a friend, it's part of creating a connection and intimacy with them. You get a response from them, and they share in return. Social media feels like an attempt to connect with anyone, or everyone, but in that way intimacy cannot exist, and so it all feels empty and futile. It's unrequited intimacy. And it feels a little gross.
After a month of thinking about how empty social media makes me feel and pondering how or what changes I need to make about it, one of my favourite writers, Alexandra Franzen, offered a free class on Social Media; her personal story of giving it up five years ago, how she runs her business without it, and how quitting or cutting back could affect your life. I watched the video recording and was motivated to 'Marie Kondo' my social media feeds and usage. I didn't want to abandon the platforms for good, as I can and do use them to connect, but I knew I needed to change my relationship with them; the constant urge to check, the tweet filter on my thoughts, the validation I seek from selfies.
The life-changing magic of tidying up your timelines. I scrolled down my Twitter timeline and stopped at any tweet that I would have just scrolled past, uninterested. I looked at their profile and saw how many of their recent tweets I'd enjoyed seeing. I unfollowed a lot of accounts that weren't bringing me joy. On Instagram, I unfollowed any account that wasn't an actual friend. I decided to leave both public, under the guise that I need to keep public because I am an ~Internet Content Creator~ that needs to promote my work on social media.
I gave myself some social media detox guidelines. Stop thinking in tweets, and stop tweeting every thought. Only check social media apps once a day, when I get home from work. That was all I needed, and I adjusted fairly quickly. I started picking up my phone to text a friend instead of to open a social app. I talked about my social media usage with a friend and proudly told her when I made it through my first day without checking- accountability helps!
After a month of limiting social media, I feel much better about my relationship to it. I have, ironically, been thinking about social media more than ever this past month, but that’s because I’ve been keeping conscious of my usage instead of mindlessly using. I give into the checking impulse and get lost in endless scrolling more so on weekends when I’m not keeping busy, but I try to stop myself and take it as a sign that I need to find something to do!
I will never be rid of social media completely from my life, even if I did choose so personally, as I manage social media as part of my job. It feels completely different when it’s for work because it’s part of a whole marketing campaign. And while I try to stay away from social media more and more for myself, I want to increase my social media usage for the Rated F accounts. Promotion on social media can also feel like that one-sided false intimacy but that’s what marketing is. And occasionally, some real connections are made.
Taking a social media audit for myself has led to some changes in thoughts and behaviour with social media. It’s not going to work for me to get off it completely. My goal is intentional, controlled, purposeful usage; for me personally and my professional accounts. The idea of disconnecting completely will always appeal to me. I sometimes wonder about people not on social media; what they do with their time, how they share with friends, do they ever take photos and if so, what do they do with them?
Balance is an illusion; you’ll never be able to do everything the right way and at the right time. Taking stock of my social media usage and cutting back has freed up time to focus on the other things I’d rather spend my time on, so I at least feel like I’m attempting to balance things I want. Who wants to struggle to balance things you don’t even want in your life?
Some tips to cut down on social media
Unfollow!
Take stock of what accounts you are actually following and unfollow any that don’t regularly make you laugh, keep you informed, or are real friends. After that, consider just muting if you’re not ready to commit to an unfollow. Instagram allows you to mute stories, posts, or both! You can unfollow your racist aunt on Facebook without unfriending her- she’ll never know. On Twitter- consider separating your follows into lists. You can scroll through friends without getting bogged down in industry news.
Set limits
Use will power, a timer, or an app to limit the amount of time spent on social media. Don’t go cold turkey if you don’t think you can do it yet. You can decrease the amount of time and number of times a day as you adjust. Give yourself a couple ten-minute blocks of time for scrolling to start.
Notifications
Only have notifications on the accounts that you use to chat with friends. Turn off notifications for likes, comments, follows, etc. except for direct messages. Or turn them off completely.
Don’t post… yet
If you have a funny thought that would make a good tweet, by all means, write it down before you forget- but not in Twitter. Write it down in the Notes app and then put the phone down and get back to your day. Use part of your limited social media allotted time to decide which to tweet. Same with photos for Instagram. Just take a photo and continue to enjoy the moment. Posting can happen later.
Replace with actual connection!
When you feel that urge to pick up your phone and check the feeds to see what everyone in the world is doing, pick up your phone and text a friend instead. Write down thoughts in a journal app. Just snapped a photo of a funny thing you saw? Text it to a friend who would also find it funny. The instinct to get on social media is probably a yearning for connection. But social media is often mistaken for connection when it’s just one-sided. Foster your real connections instead and actually get something real in return instead of just likes.
Like any bad habit, the less you do it, the less you miss it.
Next Month...
The days are slowly getting longer and longer. I may hate the cold but the cold means that the Rideau Canal Skateway is open, and I’ve got a skate date with coworkers to schedule one of these days. Have I mentioned I used to figure skate? It’s my “glory days” old person thing I bring up whenever someone mentions skating. “I coulda been a stah!” I say. February brings another film festival (Bright Nights), another Harley Quinn movie (Birds of Prey), and the anniversary of the day I finally blocked my ex and then a radio show called me to ask if I would be interested in talking the next morning (Valentine's Day) about online dating.
How should I end these? It’s a newsletter so… Sincerely? Yours truly? Regards? Love & glitter? Blessed be?
SAD and cold,
Tish