How "am" I? | May 2020
How “am” I this month?
I’m tired. All the time. Since quarantine-or-whatever-you-want-to-call-it began, I’ve been having several long, intense, stressful, intricate dreams every night. Usually, I just wake up and kind of remember them and think wow, that was a lot for one night. It got worse for a while, when I would wake up exhausted, as if I got no rest because my brain was busy living these dreams. I took a lot of naps. I think I had sleep paralysis. No scary hallucinations, but definitely like an hour of being semi-conscious but unable to move every morning and after naps. I’m back to just the dreams now, but still find it hard to even sit up at my desk for a period of time, longing to rest my body, if not my mind. Good thing I just ordered myself a new laptop, so I can work while lying on the couch or in my new zero-gravity chair on the balcony.
WTF I did this month
Hard to say what I did this month, or when it happened, since something that happened last week feels like it happened 3 weeks ago but last month was just yesterday. Who knows.
The Cemetery Fox Family Show continues. I saw the babies again, much closer. And then mom and one baby came really close to me and I almost died of excitement and cuteness (but also worry that they are too comfortable around humans).
I went on a bike ride with a friend. Then the weather got too hot to go out for a week, and now it’s too cold… Fucking Canada. We went from snow to air conditioners in two weeks. Now, we’ve gone from sweating in shorts to shivering in a scarf. Canada: land of extremes.
What I’m listening to:
In Google Play, I go to Browse Stations, under Activities I choose Working/Studying (Instrumental Music) and choose a playlist of ambient music. It has no mood, like other instrumental music of any genre might. It’s just a notch above straight up white noise in that the sound isn’t stagnant, it moves, but so slowly and gently you don’t notice it. Try it sometime when you really need to focus. Music, even without lyrics, can be distracting as it evokes emotions depending on the genre, and nothing at all can mean you’re distracted by every little noise you hear. You need something- but also basically nothing.
I’m struggling with the “it’s okay not to be okay” ethos we’re giving each other during this time.
It never feels like it’s okay to not be okay. Not when you don’t have a support system. Not when your support system is also in need of support. Not when there are people suffering more than you are. Not when you have to work full time hours. Not when everyone is in the same situation.
How can anyone be support for any one else right now? You can’t say to anyone “help me through this tough time” when they also need help through this tough time. We’re all up a creek with no paddles and no one to help because everyone else is also paddle-less right now.
“It’s okay not to be okay” sounds to me like permission to give up. You wanna stay in bed today? Aw, that’s okay times are tough. But I feel guilty if I do because, actually, I have to get up and work like everyone else on my team who gets up and works during this stupid time.
“It’s okay not to be okay” sounds like it’s okay to indulge in a diet of chips and chocolate everyday. It’s okay to take two naps everyday. It’s okay to not shower or brush your teeth or wash your face because you don’t feel like it tonight. It’s okay to keep scrolling through social media all day. It’s okay to not keep in touch with friends. It’s okayyyyy.
We’re all fucked and it’s not okay and I don’t know how or where to draw this “self care” line between indulgence and healthcare.
Quarantine Thought: It’s been two months since I’ve touched another person.
Well, ya, but- how often was I touching people before…? I’m sure it’s been more than two months. I hug my friends sometimes if it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. I shake hands when meeting people at work. That’s about it. And apparently that’s fine because, of all the things I’m dying to do when this is over, I won’t be rushing out to touch anyone.
Quarantine Games
Balcony Game: Does Anyone Stop At This Intersection?
I watch the intersection to see if any vehicle comes to a complete stop. Most slow down a bit, but you could hardly call it even a rolling stop. A few probably think they’re stopping but it doesn’t actually come to a complete stop.
Balcony Game: Parallel Parking Commentating
I watch people parallel park on the street and judge them, despite my experience in parallel parking being limited to the once I had to do on my driving test. (Any type of delivery person gets 11/10 Thank You For Your Service)
What Would I Take?
Pretend you’re moving far away and can’t take most of your stuff. Look around your apartment and think about what would you/could you pack up to go with you and what would have to be sold/donated/stored.
Did I Leave My Ambient Music Playlist On Or Are My Neighbors Playing Their Movie So Loud That I Can Hear The Muffled Score Through The Wall?
It’s a game of no winners.
Will It Glow?
After you’ve turned off all the lights, before you go to bed, get out your Tenth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver toy with the UV light and go around your apartment pointing it at things and seeing if they glow.
The Sims Mobile
Ya, I’ve been playing this a lot.
May all your days be as joyful as one when you meet a baby fox,
Tish